Everybody was Kung Fu Fighter! hoo ha!

Six Years.... feeling: BLAH
no emotion, apathetic? numb

Two day ago I was concerned with the annual Christmas tummy ache. Gross. As a friend said "I am currently pregnant with a food baby."

Christmas day we had lunch with Betty's family (nap) and dinner with my Aunt! At least at her house we played Wii and boxed and played tennis and bowled. Ha that was fun! And we had a White Christmas! It was beautiful.  However, on the way home I discovered a new pet peeve of mine. These pet peeves usually concern the car.
 #1) I hate it when people tell me how to drive. I just do. Even if I make a mistake, leave me alone! (but see my frustration at people is usually checked by...something inside me, I don't know what.. so, I usual clamp up, and say nothing in reply. but if you know me, you know I am especially angry when I don't talk...)
#2) Squeaky wind shield wipers. I will turn the wipers on and off manually just to make sure there is enough water on the wind shield to insure smooth, squeak-less wiping. haha it's stupid.
#3) Malfunctioning wipers. The drive home Christmas night was squeaky and dangerous because smack dab in the middle of my line of sight was a huge melty, snowy blob! I had to hunch over (food baby and all) the whole way home because the annoying wipers weren't wiping! sheesh. Whatever. That concludes pet peeves section number 1.

I am in love with Jack Black. He is just so funny to me and if you haven't seen The Holiday, you should! Also, I got Kung Fu Panda from Eliza this Christmas...I am in heaven! haha, not really, but! I feel asleep watching it last night and judge me if you want because one of my favorite movies ever is a cartoon animation, I still loooooove it. :) The Kung Fu Fighting song music video was disappointing though. I have no desire to watch legit Kung Fu children preforming their forms and sparing like master pros. ha! I think I'll make my own haha.
"There is no charge for Awesomeness....or Attractiveness!" - Po, the Panda (aka Jack Black)

My parents payed for a plane ticket out to Colorado for New years as our Christmas present. I am very excited because we leave tomorrow for a whole week and! I will board for the first time EVER on a real mountain. wooooo

I think my most cherished present though is something Eliza made me. Hah it's the cutest thing in all the land! She bought a paint your own piggy bank kit from Wal-Mart and painted me a college fund piggy bank. Decked out in purple and yellow, green and orange, with adorable blue eyes and yellow eye lashes :) I named her Louella. Lou Lou, for short. She will be helping me reach my dreams and goal in 2011 and beyond. She is here to inspire me to keep working hard. To help remind me that real life is not always really fun and to keep me going. To bad she's an inanimate object, or else she would be my BFF. I'll take her picture soon with my spiffy new camera Auntie gave me.

We went sledding yesterday! That helped to distract me for a while. I always want to talk about it, but I never want to be a debbie downer and be a kill joy. So, it's my fault, but I end up getting impatient and annoyed and sad because I didn't share my feelings about the anniversary of my mom's death and no one seems to have a clue. Well, they dont of course! So after a fun day with Mac and Jackson and Jamie sledding and eating food in Siberia, aka: Boone. We went to see The Tourist. Don't waste your time, or money! I thought it was super slow and it needed either more comedy or more action. I kept waiting for something explosive to happen. Instead we made fun of Angelina Jolie and her awkward bony hips swinging from side to side, or should I say jutting out from side to side, attempting to look sexy. That girl needs some more meat on her bones - can I get an Amen?! So then, at home, Ben and Jerry came to the rescue. As well as sleep. Today is a new day, and I have a lot of things to accomplish in honor of my mother, and a lot of dreams to realize because of her legacy. Here we go.





Quiet Time Excerpt:
"God understands its way. And He knows its place. For He looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When He imparted weight to the wind and meted out the waters by measure, when He set a limit for the rain and a course for the thunderbolt. Then He saw it and declared it; He established it and also searched it out, and to man He said "Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; And to depart from evil is understanding." - Job 28:22-28

Phasing Out

The NANNY DIARIES installment number two:

This was the last full day of babysitting...

I am so thankful to have a room to myself tonight, all the girls are upstairs and the boys are across the hall.

The most stressful part was the snow element..and the ice. The driveway has given me about 187thousand heart attacks this week...i have developed the skill of pretending to be calm, to ignore the fact that the car is slipping close to the cliff-side of the driveway, and to stifle the gasps, screams, exclamations and really I just worked on my straight, poker face. 

I know I want kids...but not for a long while.

John drove me on the four wheeler to the mailbox today. Eight miles total, and yes I have embraced how red neck that just sounded. He is a good driver, my little 13 yr old chaufer...at one point since the roads are switch backs and sharp curves and the driveway gets very little sun he said "HAHA Woahh! I was completely out of control! haha Awesome!" to which I said " Sweet! haha!" oh wait... "and we're laughing!" I didn't know if I should be laughing.. but! it was fun..i won't lie.

John also pulled me up the driveway from the Conference center as I held onto a rope attached the the four wheeler. EPIC! I do have two bruised, narly knees to show for it...and a ripped pair of board pants. I was glad the roar from the engine smothered the sounds of my involuntary shouts/screams. It def was an adrenaline rush keeping my board from catching icy edges or plowing into deep drifts. Once though I hit a random spot of pavement right as I rounded the turn (to which I rode through excellently! haha) and did my second face plant, this time slamming my knees too and i literally thought I was going to throw up. The frozen left over BBQ Sam and Stu had left me to reheat for the kids had turned out to be more like BBQ soup bc of all the sauce and...well it wasn't really settling well. ANYWAY that was awesome... it was a first for me...I really wanna try wake boarding now

Libby and John were practicing their Proverbs 3 verse they have to memorize. It talks about finding, and seeking wisdom to which supplied a quote of the day: "In my head I had a safari man hacking around in the jungle and he found a big hairy wisdom!" -John

I have a big long list of activities I wish to accomplish this Christmas break! First I must call Jamie, she's finally back from Brazil! Then I have a ice skating outing to arrange, a Nashville road trip to execute, an Elf movie showing to Rachel Barry since she has been deprived her whole life and has never seen this classic! Then I must go caroling! and theres a church Christmas party and la la la this is boring to write about... however Eliza and I will be going to Spring Canyon, Colorado over New years and I can't wait to board out West!

this nanny phase is phasing out... i am sure I will be reflecting on this period of time in the future...for now though i am looking forward to having a few less responsibilities, as immature as that sounds, and throughly enjoying the company of my Boone friends!

Baby, it's Cold outside.

Slowly running out of vegetables.

The first installment of the NANNY DIARIES is in:

This week I am super nanny. (where is TLC?)

I pray to God that I will never be a single mother. (this week, if it were a life time would be a struggle)

I really wish I had more vegetables to support my attempt to regain that girlish figure (from...long ago)

The dog dragged in a dear bone. (Gross)

The sugar cookies actually stayed soft. (and are oh so festive!)

Libby painted my nails red and did dainty little Christmas trees on them. (CUTE! i'm so proud)

The sibling arguments are making me edgy and slightly spacey. It's weird, i AM an air head in general...but I start thinking of how to solve the problem, prevent the discussion from reoccurring and what to say...except then it continues, like  now for instance...they are bickering...i fully understand the statement "You have to chose your battles"

All the snow is beautiful! Except...the next two days for certain will be spent in-doors...no driving or interaction with anyone else... i pray for patience and stamina so they we can all be a big happy family! no negativity and the stir craziness will be minimum!

John, Libby and I went snowboarding again today! That was a highlight. The drifts have to be about 3 feet at the top of the driveway and the layer of ice beneath the snow makes the "slope" nice and fast. The fourwheeler is also an added entertainment because John is perfecting his donut skills ha! Ya know, i would qualify this activity as cross country snowboarding. But..well the lack of poles, that cross country skiers have, puts a damper on things. You get really good and hopping strapped in! (i'm working on my lateral jump thank you very much) haha The four wheeler though is really nice to have around. Tomorrow we have being pulled like wake boarding up the driveway and creating a sick jump.

I made them cinnamon rolls for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch and chili with salad for dinner. Tomorrow I think we'll have cereal for breakfast, ummmmm grilled cheese for lunch...and hamburgers! for dinner. Then we have more forzen chili soooo that, no doubt, will be served again.

Well its craft time.

Quote of the day "You shouldn't have so many priorities! If you want a 'barbie doll' go buy a barbie doll!" haha it just really made me laugh... Hunter was speaking to John when we were discussing everyones dating options...that is if they were old enough, or aloud to date at this time :) they're sooo cute.

Time to let the dog out...he poops a ton, for being so little he is a legit pooping machine...i'm a little concerned

wait purse, what?

me and my sister, we make a great pair...i just succeeded in leaving my purse in the movie theater only realizing after we walked out that i would need my license....wallet...anti bacterial lotion oh and dont forget mascara! to continue to function w.the rest of the evening. sooo yea. and i think that embarrassed eliza more than me. she got me back though by gracefully and completely tripping the second exit out of the building. we're good.:)

i am learning the art of quilling! thanks to Heidi, i am now painstakingly creating a tree out of little 1cm wide strips of paper coiled and pinched into various shapes. sounds weird...it is! but! its also really cool looking and whenever i have the patience and time I test this new ground in the craft world.

i also carry this tackle box around. when i picked it out in walmart the legit fishermen eyed me. but hey now! tackle boxes are actually quite portable and organized and one is now serving my jewelry making hobby. really i stick to earrings. i talked to a girl yesterday who has her own mini kiln and sculpts jewelry out of silver clay to then heats it up and melts it to create her intricate flowers etc for her beautiful necklaces. I, on the other hand stick to store bought beads and try to combine them with a little style and originality. i am even attempting to sell some in a craft fair the Stephens are apart of next weekend. those hobbies and my goal of making all my Christmas presents this year keeps my creative juices flowing. As well as supports the kind cashiers at hobby lobby and Michaels. this is why tonight I am also on a mission to create a budget! wish me luck. gah

The holidays are a time to be merry and throw parties and to overall be jolly and chubby! haha, it never fails that i usually gain some holiday cheer and winter insulation! but thats not really my point. I am trying to spend this season in reflection of the six years it has been since mom passed away. its a delicate balance between remembering and rejoicing. i really...i really can't say that i remember that much, and it's killing me.

i think i remember learning in psychology last semester that kids, and maybe adults, deal with grief and trauma sometimes by completely blocking it out of their mind, forgetting it. I guess i did that. eliza and heidi where talking about what happened around Christmas 2004 and mom's funeral and i honestly dont remember Heidi even being there for that. what?? why?? its troublesome because now i am ready to remember. a lot of people would probably say that its been six years and it is more than time to move on. no. oh no, this type of thing takes a life time to work through, and it gives you a totally different perspective in life from the rest of the world. all i can say is i've come to terms with being ok with not being ok. its better to just go ahead and be sad when you're feeling sad than try to suppress everything. that's disastrous!

 i wasn't afraid to be a mess at the time of my mother's death. i remember locking myself in the hospital bathroom sitting down and trying to cry. i think i cried a little. but i really just wanted to be away from the waiting room crowded with people. i really just wanted to be going home to a cozy, happy house instead of wondering who we were going to stay with every night. i really wanted to remember her smell and hugs. but all i saw was a emaciated, mute woman who reached out to touch me for the last time unable to speak or sit up or even keep her eyes open.

 hey look - i actually am remembering somewhat!

i think i much prefer sharing this on my blog because it diminishes the awkward real life encounters when i'm face to face with someone. i dont want people to try to say the right thing or to even talk, unless they feel lead. i much prefer a listening ear and ready hug. but sharing is just not even something i would even be able to do. it's too hard. so for now, the melancholy facet of my blog drags on...chapter three will unfold in time:)

thanks for understanding.

Hey There Eliza...

The cold weather has stirred something inside me, my song writing skills are emerging... 
This is inspired by Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"
(It's helpful to sing the tune in your head while your mind is blown away my these fresh lyrics)

ODE TO ELIZA

Hey There Eliza 

what's it like in Johnson City?

 You're a hundred miles away but babe tonight you're oh so pretty 

do do dooo, 

you've got my face and my birth date, 

I swear it's truue

Hey there Eliza 

you be good and don't ya miss me, 

i'm your twin and i'm your friend, 

i'm always hereee, 

moo moo moo mooo

OOH it's weird when we're apaart,

is that your breath or did you farrrt, 

you've got a sweet sweet hearrt...

Hey There Eliza 

don't forget that I'm your wing man,

you'd always beat me when we'd burp,

work that up do, do do doo

do do doo

OOOH you're funny and you're cuuuute, 

you dance and rap and bake, 

she used to play the fluute,

 make no mistake

Hey There Eliza a ah la la la la la la la la la laaa

THE END"

Leave your jacket behind, reach out and touch the treetops...

Last  week in honor of the October Harvest theme of big plump pumpkins everywhere, in art class John, Libby, Leslie and I painted pumpkins! I really wanted to carve them, but I wasn't in the mood for pumpkin guts. So we painted! woo! left to right: John with the bow tie face, Libby with the polka dots, I did some hand prints, and Leslie painted hers' as a big birthday card for her mom(so sweet!) Art class is going pretty well! Who says you have to have a college degree PAH!

This year, because we don't believe in celebrating Halloween, I took the kids to a costume partay! We had pre assigned character - John: Calvin, Houston: Hobbes, Luke: The pumpkin eater guy, Libby: The Queen of Hearts, and I was Wilma Flintstone. Although I look like a greek version of wilma, I didn't really have access to a white fur dress so a sheet had to do! haha. 

It's funny bc last year I chose myself to be Peebles. Last year I was way more into the orange hair deal the Flintstone ladies style. So i sprayed my hair with BRIGHT orange spray - that stuff is gross! it smells terrible! Gosh I found out that I get super grumpy when my hair stinks. I just can't handle it! plus that stuff stained the shower for a while. nasty!

In honor of Libby's most beloved gerbil Dottie i am posting a video of dottie one day getting her exercise. I often was not partial to the little rat pet of hers, but! she was soft...and she had a cute little squeak when Hunter would pick her up repeatedly.. she died last week... RIP little varmint :)

PS: John has the most......adorable! footy pajamas. you should see him ecstatically bounding around the house practicing his super ninja skills.

Chubby Bunny

This is Angelo: 

He's my main man. He's the cutest when he's frolicking through the leaves, ears perked up, stumpy tail wiggling, bouncing from pile to pile! I'm pretty sure we're kindred spirits.

This fall has been SO different from what I expected it to be.. and I'm glad! Some highlights:

I sort of have a  knack for cooking mishaps... this is a picture of when I have making icing for a bajillion cupcakes for the sweet 16 party. The powdered sugar went everywhere...

But the cupcakes were super cute!

I have to say, whenever I cook with other people i usually end up telling stories about when I like baked a spoon in some pumpkin bread...or made sugar cookies that tasted like plado... Last weekend I was making a cake for a group at CC with Josh and I was chattering away about some thing ridiculous that happened to me during my baking escapades. It was really fun too because he was brave and through in chili powder and cumin to my batter! then! we made Dr. Pepper icing! This cake was gonna be a beauty! ummm well, we got sorta bored and decided, because John was pressuring us, to add more Dr. Pepper to the PERFECT icing we concocted. baaaad idea... we used the rest of the soda which made it too runny and no amount of powered sugar was coagulating the mixture of butter, sugar and soda. It looked gross haha. well! it can't hurt to put it on the stove! so Josh poured it into a sauce pan and started stirring away...that wasn't really working either. we were getting smores stuff together in the mean time so! we decided to melt some marshmellows in the pan too!! hahaha that did weird things. It turned out that Josh has mixed a bunch of like cocoa powder, chocolate chips, milk..and i don't know what else together earlier. so once the cake cooled we drizzled that on top and scooped a generous amount of vanilla icecream onto the plates. Well! it tasted good! everyone was praising it whew! Then Josh handed me a peice... my first bite was delectable! except...something was crunchy. reeeeally crunchy. okaay. um I though maybe it was freezer burned icecream or something. what ever! chomp chomp, crunch crunch cruch. My next two bites were moist and chocolatey. then the fourth bite was crunchy again! what?! so i proceeded to spit out whatever it was that wasn't supposed to be there...it was egg shell! AHHH for real? i am destined to do SOMETHING to anything i cook. how i was the one to end up with the crunchy nasty peice i dont know! but thank the Lord! haha

GIANT marshmellows! 

Also, we went camping the other night. John, Libby, Chris and I. we all hung our eno's from the rafters. And of course we roasted marsh-mellows! this roasting session was superb haha because! we had GINORMOUS marsh-mellows!!!! it's practically impossible to play chubby bunny! and trust me we all tried:) numerous times...

Libby and I also figured out that sneaking into the pantry(at 9am) and playing Chubby Bunny is the best way to go from depressed and gloomy to doubled over in laughter. it's great therapy. She won, she fit 5 marshmellows in her cute little mouth!

I also have to say that lately john has been a mini counselor to me. Every time we're in Panera Bread, it seems like, we end up discussing my (nonexistent) love life! who knew a 13 yr old boy could be so insightful and encouraging and well...wise, on such matters as dating, the heart, and true love?!! haha he really has said profound things to me, despite me being 6 years his senior. LOVE IT.

Well..I plan to pop out some more posts this week. i've been a little dry lately. ta ta for now!

Robust!

God was First to Say, 'You Are My Friends" - A.W.Tozer - Renewed Day by Day


Greater man hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13


"The idea of the divine-human friendship originated with God. Had not God first said "Ye are my friends" it would be inexcusably brash for any man to say 'I am a friend of God.'


But since He claims us for His friends it is an act of unbelief to ignore or deny the relationship!


Even though radically different from each other, two persons may enjoy the closest friendship that the participants be alike in all things; it is enough that they be alike at the points where their personalities touch. Harmony is likeness at points of contact, and friendship is likeness where hearts merge.


For this reason the whole idea of the divine-human friendship is logical enough and entirely credible. The infinite God and the finite man can merge their personalities in the tenderest, most satisfying friendship. In such relationship there is no idea of equality; only of likeness where the heart of man meets the heart of God!


This likeness is possible because God at the first made man in His own image and is now remaking men in the image that was lost by sin. Perfection lies on God's side but on man's side there are weaknesses of purpose, lack of desire and small faith.


In spite of human frailties we can grow in grace and move progressively toward a more perfect experiential union with God, exercising robust faith in the truths revealed in the Scriptures!"


I really have nothing to say or really add to this. It blew me away the first time I read it,  and I have been rereading it for the past week, mulling over the power in Tozer's words.  If you read the last post you know I have come to a place in my life where the Lord has removed me from the beaten path and with excitement grabbed my hand as He starts a new pace on a new narrow trail.  Yes His excitement is contagious, but I have to admit...I am a bit of an Eyore at times. I think, purely out of ignorance. I just complain when I can't see what's up ahead. I've had to re-teach myself to stop making long term plans. Those always fall through, mostly because I was the leader of those imagined, potential escapades, not God. Today I told someone I wasn't planning beyond the spring semester yet simply because God has taught me to wait for Him..


So on my current path so far.. God is my friend. I love it when Tozer writes: The infinite God and the finite man can merge their personalities in the tenderest, most satisfying friendship. That touches my heart. 


My friends are dear to me. They are also far away from me. God has decided, I think, that this section of "The Kathryn Trail"  (haha, i know it's cheesey) is more of a two person ascent of a ridge line. Can't really see anything except dense trees, with the hope of a beautiful view at the top...and God has me in step behind Him. I know so many of my friends have large groups of people surrounding them daily with joy, encouragement and love. I've decided they're on day hike type thing. Lots of people fellowshipping with each other, the Lord leading the way to the overlook where they'll rejoice together at the beauty and faithfulness of the Lord, but eventually they'll take God's hand singularly and trudge onward. Course all hikes are different, maybe mine will be a day hike excursion soon. If not that's God guidance. 


I also love the combination of words Tozer uses when he says "exercising robust faith in the truths revealed in the Scriptures!" ROBUST - say it out loud! its so fun! I think of.... like Beauty and the Beast! and how the beast was transformed into a handsome ROBUST prince! robust faith, I still have to decided what the looks and feels like. 


So "The Kathryn Trail" has been really strenuous today, so I over and out you little hikers! haha( i think my analogies need some help)


PS: I really enjoyed Tozer's passage too because he used exclamation points after a ton of his profound sentences! Yessss they're my fav!!!

I just want to be with You-ooh-oo, Just want this waiting to be oh-ver-hrrr

Rough Day
I won't lie
Today my mom would've been 62
yea, that sounds old
sadly enough...it been 6 years since we celebrated her birthday in her presence
i hardly remember her
i wish i could smell her again, feel her hug, her stories and back scratches at night
YEAST ROLLS!
homemade chex mix! yummmmm
and books....

God and I had a good talk today! We went to the Volunteer cabin and I held nothing back. It was time for a DTR...
you know Define The Relationship talk. real talk time

Basically I recounted how I felt like, with every relationship, He unexpectedly pulled it right out from beneath me. To go into detail would be boring for you, and laborious for me so I will spare you the extra 5inches of screen scrolling.
So I said GOD - sob sob sob - what's the deal man? I am very aware that i don't need other people to find fulfillment! I know, my brain knows, that You alone provide for alllllllll my needs. But I guess moving me away from my brother, then dad, then sister relationally proves the point to my heart huh? Yea and the permanent removal of mom does FOR SURE

I digress, i know that was borderline T.M.I.

God spoke to me though, as I was sitting on the sink in the cabin bathroom, with the toilet paper in my hands, and the trashcan at my feet during this tearful convo.
He said "My Child, Job wrote: I know that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted; Trust Me." "ok" "Use your season at CC right know to draw strength from me, let me be Your lover, I know the desires of your heart." "ok"..."BUT GOD...its too hard!!!!!!! its SO hard being backwards from the norm. what the crap this new job might look and sound easy, but you try living in the middle of woods, with all you closest friends at least an hour away, or over seas!!" "Trust Me." Secretly, I think He really was saying...I love you, but shut up! 

Finally, after I talked all my sinful selfishness out loud to Him, I settled down and received a text from my dearest twin. she wrote: I Believe God has made you to be a missionary and right now, cc is your mission field. Missionaries are sometimes isolated from many people, but they can be so close to God at that time. I love you, and I know that God is pleased with you!

Well that started me on a whole new nose blowing tissue fit! Thanks Eliza, but for real, that was so timely. God is so faithful like that.

So in conclusion I'm sticking to my original plan of waiting, even til the last second, on decision making because sometimes that exactly how God plans things.

Then I ran up the driveway to clear my sinuses and puffy eyeballs...
the song i think by Chris Rice or Bebo Norman....or Micheal W. Smith, I dont really remember, came to mind: I just want to be with you. I want this waiting to be over. Just want to be with you, It helps to know the day is getting closer. It was comforting.

I did try and petition God to take me by His side right now. That wasn't received well... I suppose that was actually a selfish request!

However, I am exhausted now and truly spiritually empowered(if not emotionally) by God to stick to this path, this extra-ordinary path marked for me.
 Lately too God gave me this verse that stuck with me. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3
"You are our letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men; being manifested that you are a letter of Christ, cared for by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone, but on Human Hearts."

I love it.

Perhaps... I guess, this is the time in my life where He is writing one of His "letters" on my heart. Oh I pray that it would be so.

Thank you Captain Obvious!

God's Spirit Bears Witness Within: A.W.Tozer
Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit...after the tradition of men...and not after Christ. Colossians 2:8

"When I was a young Christian I had my Bible and a hymnbook and a few other books, including Andrew Murray and Thomas a' Kempis and I got myself educated as well as I could by reading books, I read the philosophy of all the great minds - and many of those men did not believe in God, you know-and they did not believe in Christ.
I remember reading White's Warfare of Science with Christianity, and if any man can read that and still say he is saved, he isn't saved by his reading; he is saved by the Holy Ghost within him telling him that he is saved!
Do you know what I would do after I would read a chapter or two and find arguments that I could not possibly defeat? I would get down on my knees and with tears I would thank God with joy that no matter what the books said, 'I know Thee, my Saviour and my Lord!'
I didn't have it in my head- I had it in my heart! There is a great difference, you see.
If we have it only in our heads, then philosophy may be of some help to us; but if we have it in our hearts there is not much philosophy can do except stand aside reverently, hat in hand, and say. ' Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!'
In short, if you have to be reasoned into Christianity, some wise fellow can reason you out of it, as well!"

I think the most moving part of Tozer's excerpt from his devotional "Renewed Day by Day" is when he unashamedly admits to crying, laid out on the floor before God. I cry all the time when I talk to God. He moves me to tears, often times if someone were to ever be with me i wouldn't be able to explain why I was crying except that, in awe of the Lord my spirit is moved deeply. I cannot say that I find philosophy especially intriguing to become involved with, and I have no desire to debate and work through thoughts by spilling them out in front of people to be obliterated and destroyed. No, no, I much prefer to ponder things on my own and asked much trusted mentors in my life about deep philosophical dilemmas. 


But! I was encouraged by Tozer's confession to not knowing all the answers. He was stumped! How I do respect his willingness to admit that, instead of speaking in circles and blowing out hot air. 


I took an ethics class last semester, honestly I could have made an A....but towards the end of the year my desire to read the dry material vanished. However, I went to class, sat on the second row...and pretended three times a week to be thinking intently on the controversial topic and shift in my seat enough to imply that I was about to say something... and that I was intellectually stimulated. Well, I take that back, I was intellectually stimulated, but any retort that would come out of my mouth sounded completely elementary and needed the half asleep punk in the back of the room to shout "Thank you captain obvious!" I am completely NOT gifted in the area of argumentation when it comes to logic. I know I believe in pro-life, in God, and I disagree with euthanasia etc. To have me compare various arguments and dissect multiple theories just made my brain hurt, my eyes go crossed, and despair fill my heart. I really have no skill! I know what I know and believe what I believe because of the Holy Spirit convicting my moral compass to point north. Anyway, that class frustrated me like White's writing frustrated Tozer. I was road blocked sometimes, but only because my brain couldn't figure things out enough to explain it to twisted philosophical thinkers. 


My dad has reassured me in the past that there are many benefits to begin people smart instead of merely book smart. We live in a book-smart-matters-more-than-anything-else world, so its hard to convince myself sometimes that my SAT scores don't determine the course of my LIFE! And really, they don't really if you're made to be a people person, and honestly, following the Lord may take me away from mind boggling logical arguments and academics stressed so much in our society.


To finish, I do love reading the toned down version of Tozer's deep thoughts in his daily devotional, as I do love "My Utmost for His Highest" and "Knowing God," and scores of other books that challenge me to ponder, and contemplate; that push my thinking of God, life, and the universe forward! Capisce?!

Cinnamon, so Sweet

          I have being contemplating what would be worthwhile to blog about lately... my activities haven't been too thrilling lately. My days are actually filled with embarrassing situations where I completely loose my mind and do stupid things..which makes life  amusing! Good for a story.. However, I don't really feel like exposing myself for a giggle or two today. The most significant event that occurred in the 20 days that has lapsed since I last wrote was a sweet 16 birthday party.

Aren't they BEAUTIFUL!

Hunter and Sarah are both 16 now, they are best friends, and they decided to celebrate the prime time teenage - age by holding a dance.












It got me thinking about when I was 16. Its crazy, this is my last year of being a teenager, and to think I thought this age would never end! So I will now proceed to recap my 16th year of life, the highlights, the ups and downs, and reminisce about that sweet time.

First of all I THINK our party was at Sarah B's house. If I remember correctly we rented Step Up, after a viewing of Nacho Libre failed..sorry Sarah :) We were very inspired by the beautiful dancing people in Step Up, and like so many times before, Rachel, Rebecca, Eliza, Sarah and I  proceeded to create a very inspired hip hop routine. The song we chose wasn't exactly...wholesome... but we were totally into it and thought we were the stuff man. I still can't believe we preformed that for people, bless their hearts. haha Those were the days!

ACIT girls second session 2007

At that point in our life, Eliza and I had never been apart for longer than a couple of days. That summer changed everything. I was ecstatic that Dad let me apply to be an ACIT at Camp Cedar Cliff. They hired me and that was definitely a memorable summer to say the least. I loved loved loved it. Although I came back with 10lbs of camp food and candy hanging out around my waist and thus ensued the typical insecure teenage girl crash diet. I remember eating an apple and a muffin at the most for about a month or two during the fall. I mean it worked I weighed 10lbs less that christmas...but I couldn't do that again - i would be WAY too grumpy, irritable, snappy and no one could live with me. Which makes me wonder if I wasn't a horrible child at that point :) hmmmm

The happy Couple(s)

I forgot to mention my Brother got hitched that August too! The wedding was beautiful, Eliza and I were bridesmaids. It was the first time we wore anything that had a plunging neck line and i remember frantically using a safety pen to try and cover up my 1/4 inch of exposed little girl ant hill "cleveage"  That was the beginning of a wonderful relationship with Beth, our new sister. Although at that point I wasn't sure I appreciated all my brothers attention shifting to the tall, thin, beautiful, smart, gentle spirited Etc etc etc woman. But it was for the better that he did:)

Let's see, 16 was also the first year that I started my college classes. Six or seven of my good home school friends all got into World Civilizations class together. It was the most challenging, and the most fun class I have taken yet. Sarah, Rachel, Eliza and I sort of ditched the guys in our study sessions and invaded Bald guy Brew coffee shop at 4pm every Monday and Wednesday afternoon. Thank you Blad Guy! Dude that was the life: coffee, muffins, free reign of the shop sound system, friends, all the while studying and successfully achieving A's on all our exams. Woot, that was a happy time.

We were "Studying"

Also, that spring I reapplied for CCC Assistant Counselor position and was hired for that, and prepared for the other 6 weeks of my summer to be spent with Rebecca and Eliza and David at Cherokee Cove. But those memories where made when I was 17, so moving on..

 That spring my Dad got remarried. I won't lie, that was a very difficult point in my life. Eliza and I really didn't know how to deal with alllll the changes except to exchange looks quite often during that year that spoke more to each other than trying to verbalize anything we were feeling.

Isle of Palms

My dad's wedding was very beautiful in Charleston, SC.  Betty's dress was my favorite one in the store, and we wore the bridesmaids dresses from Tanner's wedding. The weather was sunny for the small private ceremony, and I could see a little bit of the ocean from where I was standing behind Betty ad Eliza. I quite honestly wanted to run madly, until I couldn't breath, to the water and swim, swim, swim.  But again, Eliza and I exchanged looks and smiled as we wondered how we should process the change. I thought i hid all my negative emotions at the ceremony because Dad wasn't looking at me, of course he was gazing at Betty, and I was behind Betty...so I was rather free with my facial expressions for part of the wedding. And OF COURSE the photographer captures my brooding face in a candid photo of all the bridesmaids during the ceremony. Yup, that face is forever recording in their Photo album...awesome :)

I still don't know if I have worked through all those emotions, or if I need to, but my sweet 16 year was way more eventful than I planned on. Personally I had hoped for my first boyfriend, first valentine box of chocolates, presents, flowers.. and of course my first kiss!! Sweeeet 16, the magical age where everything romantic happens in your life....not. Oh well, I guess it is way more interesting to see how God works things out like that, and way less predictable. I mean psssh sweet 16 and getting your first kiss - SO cliché.

They are my Sunshine

Helloo

Well, I digress and have to say that Rachel, Rebecca, Sarah and Eliza made that year the most memorable, happiest of times, and truly sweet as we all grew up just a little bit more during that blessed age of sixteen.

Like a big blanket is wrapped around my shoulders

John 14:21 He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved by My Father; and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him.

Mary Geegh writes in "God Guides" about The Key to a God-Guided Life is Obedience

"Obedience, in little things or big things, brings an exquisite thrill. 'My joy, which no man can take from you,' says Jesus.

I was attending a conference in a village. The speaker was an Indian businessman who had worked and lived in Burma for many years. When the Japanese bombed Rangoon, he with other Indians fled for their lives. They lost everything. He had only his Bible and the suit he was wearing. He walked hundreds of miles to return to India. He said that hardships were many, but it was sweet to feel the Presence of Jesus and to have his Bible. While he was talking and giving a great witness to the people, a quick thought came to me just before I had to return to my town: 'Give him all the money in your purse.'

Well! I had to go home by train. Should I not save a bit for my train fare? Of course I had learned not to argue with God - just obey. I put all I had in an envelope and gave it to him.

Then I hurried off to catch my train. A boy was running swiftly ahead of me. When I got to the station the boy came out of the ticket office with a ticket - and gave it to me. I looked surprised! He told me he was at the meeting, saw me put the money in an envelope and give it to the speaker. Then he said, 'God told me to buy your ticket, so I ran.' The train was ready to pull out. 'Get in quickly, Amma.' So i did. The train was off; I waved to the boy. I sat there with that exquisite thrill that comes when people obey God's Plan."

This gave me shivers when I read it. Lately I have had the greatest peace, it feels like, surrounding and cushioning me. My emotions sometimes bump into me and my content heart in the Lord, and it seems like this hallowed peace pushes that away and keeps me upright and on this steep appointed path. Every morning in the red armchair at Papa John's house I sit and read this devotional "God Guides" that a friend, Joy Sechler mailed to me. I crave it at the start of every day to keep me stable and calm. After every reading I take this deep breath and feel at peace, like a big blanket is wrapped around my shoulders by a strong angel. 

This season of my life is unfolding very unpredictably, and miraculously God is blessing me with assurance beyond my nature. I always like to know whats coming, and right now I have no idea what to expect for 2011. All credit to God for the fact that I am not worried, freaking out, or stressed out of my mind!

I've noticed, like in this story, that God doesn't really make long term plans. He has eternity planned out of course, but in respect to telling us humans what's going to happen next... I feel like he really enjoys waiting until He knows that we know that the next step we take has nothing to do with some grand scheme designed by us. So far, this fall semester unfolded much better than I could've have ever imagined myself, and along with it He had calmed my spirit, and He is holding my heart. I feel completely prepared for life, because I know that He will take me places better than my wildest dreams and it will fall into place with the best timing. I am literally stress free when it comes to considering what my future holds. WOAH

Do you want to keep dancing?

So, along with "The Soul of Prayer" and "Death of a Guru", tonight I picked up a book Sam had in my fall reading pile entitled: "Do you think I'm Beautiful?" And I thought, psshhhh Oh Paa-lease lady, who are you.. Angela Thomas?! Really this got published? because in all honesty I read "Captivating" and was totally unimpressed by the fluff and self gradification encrougaged in those pages, in my insignificant opinion that is. However, I got through the first chapter and actually liked it by the third page in chapter two.

Of course the beginging was something I could not relate to because it was a sob story, a pity party of words crowding over 20 pages about how this lady had never felt beautiful and accepted. Blah...we all have those days, I mean can we say PMS. And of course middle school is awkward and uncomfortable and embarresing. You're at the PEAK of insecurity, its just a bad situation overall! Annyway! This book was starting to really loose my interest until I decided to read onto Chapter two. The title:The Wallflower Who is Asked to Dance... how precious. Well then she told about a time in high school when the hott boy on the block actually asked her to dance, instead of her beautiful friends, who all had handsome dates with them, and she was always classified as...the wingman. The stunner came right over and pulled her to the dance floor, to her disbelief! THEN since, as always, the song ended way to quickly, she prepared herself to stand next to the wall for the remainder of the evening until...he implored "Do you want to keep dancing?"

AHHHHH! weeeeeee!!!! even though I was totally unsympathic at the start, now she definatly had me hooked. I was even squealing inside for this lady when she was a  16 year old! This strange woman writing about feeling sooo ugly, and now, now she asked the reader's of her book "Do you remember the first time you were asked to dance? Do you remember being noticed? Do you remember the crazy thing that happens to your stomach when a handsome man walks toward you? What is that? And why does it make us feel like we're floating? Are you smiling as you remember?" YES, duh, I was definatly smiling.. and it took me back.

First it took me back to the Home school fall family ball 2007 I think it was. I was 15. I had the most beautiful dress, it was by my late mom's favorite designer, Jessica McClintock. It was strapless, with black lace and a black bow accintuating my waist line which contrasted with the off-white A-line skirt. I felt like a princess - a DREAM! My friend Jamie grabbed me when I first walked into the gym and squealed for a good minuet straight at how old I looked. All that to say, there was a boy, oh and there always is a boy! Who, in the past few months had been pretty attentive through conventiant internet outlets, and on the ski slopes, and the frisbee feild. I just thought he was as cute as could be! It was perfect, I felt divinely skinny and beautiful...and that boy took notice! Back in those days though, a girl in the home school group was never allowed to be asked more than three times by the same fellah. If he wished to keep dancing with her, he had to ask the daunting father who usually congrated at the punch table. Well! My father never came to the dances and! the cutie asked me 5 times!! That was the first time I ever really felt singluarly noticed.

SIDE NOTE: However, much to my dismay, there is not a  happy ending like you're expecting from this sappy tale. He told me after the last dance that he was going to the high school football game to meet up with his....GIRL FRIEND. EXCUSE ME?! yea, eliza had to support my deflating frame as I wilted off my 4inch heels. From then on my feathers were ruffled and I subjected him to my wrath...and I write this with a grimace on my face...poor kid.

Second, I feel like commenting on the question about what happens to your stomach when a handsome man starts sauntering your way. I am terrible,absolutely awkward in this situation. For example, at a recent contra dance I attended, a very attractive guy made eye contact with me continiously through one dance, and afterwards was purposefully making his way over to me...and I knew it...and I froze, got the gitters, couldn't breath. THEN! I immediately turned my body away and pretended to be looking for someone on the other side of the gym, completely closing myself off from him. Ah! I have kicked myself inwardly for reacting like that, and making it a habit, because he was then intercepted by a bold young lady and I totally missed that opportunity for the rest of the night! Yes, I know that stomach feeling, why it is? I would really like to know, or well, at least have someone me strongly encourage to react differently. Naturally I flee from it haha! One day though, i know I will no doubt run to it.

For tonight, that is all.
Feel Beautiful, but more importantly "The Happiest People in the World are those who do the most for Others" - Booker T. Washington.

Enchantment

Rain rain rain, lots of rain. Its so wonderful for short seasons, you know, a day or two at a time. Its neat how God plans out the weather, the days of eternal sunshine and summer breezes. Then the days of fall wind and changing leaves; the days of frigid air and snow falling sideways. Of course then, there are days like today: rainy, foggy, damp. I throughly enjoyed! Cuddled up in my bed listening to the rain fall, snuggling in my sweat shirt, and finally heating up with delicious Thai food Stu cooked tonight.

I thought alot about it today, while trying to talk to God, praise and adore him continually. I thought about a lot of things today. For instance, driving back to CC from Boone, a chipmunk dashed in between my car and the truck in front of me while we where barreling down a hill at 50mph. Yup, I thought woah! nice job chippy! Good timing you didnt even get squished, you were running SO fast! Dude I wonder if I googled it I could find out how fast chipmunks can run! OMG, what the heck, I just spent a full minute pondering the maximum speed of a ground squirelle. Do I need help? Well, yes.

It was an enjoyable day, I thought about how, from now on, I'll be asking God about all the finicial desicions I have to make. What to purchase, which roadtrips to take, how much money to save. I wondered - Is it silly to converse with God in WalMart when a beautiful, shiny bottle of new mascara is just screaming at me to buy? Or do I buy a cup of coffee..or wait? What about a bagel? Nope! I concluded God wants to help me be a better me, and I get way stressed about money so why not ask Him to assist me?

Good, that habit is now formed. Plus I was reading in The Soul of Prayer page 15:

Mind Blowing Quote #2 -  "We do not simply spread our thought out before God, but we offer it to Him, turn it on Him, bring it to bear on Him, press it on Him.This is our great and first sacrifice, and it becomes pressure on God. We can offer God nothing so great and effective as our obediant acceptance of the mind and purpose and work of Chirst. It is not easy. It is harder than any idealism. But then it is very mighty. And it is a power that grows by excersieze At first it groan, at last it glides."

I read that this morning and it influenced me all day. I was driving behind a schoolbus coming through Bethel in the rain. I had Corinne Bailey Ray jammin in the CD player and I was belting out the tunes. I soon realized the kids on the bus where getting off and turning around to stare at me as I drove by... I quickly settled down, my craziness is becoming public. Then the thought occured to me, I'm pretty sure it is already a known fact that I'm weird, many friends say it to my face infact at ETSU. My sister and I frighted the Stephens children together this morning, Hey she's going to be a first grade teacher, and I'm going to be...something! And in those professions it's curcial to be silly, let the child inside loose. We agreed, you're a much happier, more enjoyable human if you except your weirdness and let it flow. haha. Well, Corinne and I sang this song called Enchantment,  and it was just so appropriate.

Today I was enchanted by the rain, by the fog, by God.

EAT PRAY LOVE

Just finished watching Eat Pray Love with Sarah, Eliza and Rebecca. 

Today we embarked on a roadtrip to naaaaashville TN. yee haw! Rebecca moved so this trip was pretty much mandatory before this semester started. Eliza and I picked Sarah up, after kissing visiting, nephew, baby Judson good bye until Sunday night, grabbed some chickfila for lunch with Jori in Knoxville, and sweated our brains out on arrival to the grand old music city. 

Thanks God for the therapy of laughter. I swear we ate, laughed, ate, laughed, and ate! and its not over :)

We visited Belmont as a potential for Sarah's future music home, and Rebecca took us to a contra dance... while there we were hit on by people NOT of the opposite gender - AH! -  and a picture of all 4 of us was snapped for a man's single co-workers who had decided to not make an appearance tonight. We were all sort of caught off guard!! oh dear. ha But the best part was being with the best friends that God brought to me in the awkward stages of high school. And who for some reason decided to stick around. Let me just say thanks to Rebecca for helping me incorporate giggling into every day life; thanks to Sarah for helping me sharpen my wit and sarcasm; and Eliza for lovingly laughing at me because life is rather comical, especially if you watch me. YUP. Ok I feel better, all the sappiness from that feel good movie just oozed out here. I can sleep now.

 Eat: eat without guilt

 Pray: well, pray without ceasing

 Love: love unconditionally

My Word: Delight

Tussle

Tussle: an intense argument, controversy, or struggle.


Sheesh.
Recently I verbalized to Dad that I have a new addition to my list of life goals. The addition: to become a prayer warrior. Oh how poetic, romantic, how spiritually heroic I felt every time I thought about it. But now I just feel crappy, self centered and narcissistic. My resolve turned out to be less than perfect of course, and my determination suffered from discouragement as my flesh began to tussle with my spiritual heart. 


My motive started out pure. Mrs. Elaine Endres is a mighty prayer warrior in my community. I aspire to become just like her. She visited Cherokee Cove this summer and said that day she came for the soul purpose of seeing me. She felt like God wanted her there to see me and be to me like a Grandmother. Turns out, the night before Eliza had come through a scary spiritual attack from the devil and called me, 5:30am Colorado time to tell me about it. Of course she was fine, rattled, but strengthened by the power of the Word and the Holy Spirit. However when she told me the account, I burst into tears and wanted to be right beside her to protect her. Impossible, she was 2000miles away. So, Samantha sent me to Mrs. Elaine and I knelt at her feet and wept while she held my face between her weathered little hands and prayed. It was powerful. The rest of the morning as I worked around the conference center, I watched as people would come to her and she would ask one simple question: How can I pray for you? Then they would merely say a sentence or two and she would sit them down, take their hands in hers and pray. She wouldn't always close her eyes, and I was comforted by that. Because, I swear, she's an angel, she has the eyes of God, or something! Because you feel the Lord talk to you, and you see it in her piercing blue eyes. Piercing, icy blue eyes that relay love, peace and purity. From that day on, I decided I wanted to become a woman like her. She has such a connection to God, and it is through her prayer life! She shakes the gates of heaven, if you believe in the pearly gates, every time she prays. So she inspired me.


Then, a few days ago had an epiphany... shes in her 70s, 80s... I am 19. I am light years away from her state of communion with God. Who am I kidding. This goal...this goal is on a whole different level than the goal to Kayak around Chicago, or go to England for my 20th birthday, or hike the whole AT. Heavens to Betsy, this goal is going to be an on going life long tussle. And I feel enormously unprepared. 


But God is no unprepared. I think thats why He drew me to my Dad's bookshelf, and specifically to the book "The Soul of Prayer" by P.T. Forsyth. He wants me to reach my goals, but starting today, I'm not gonna try to do it alone.


Mind Blowing quote #1:
"'Great blessings which are won with prayer are worn with thankfulness' Praise is the converted consecration of the egoism that may have moved our prayer." - pg 14


First step, learn to praise God in my prayers - every time.... oh  my

Living Unconventionally

"OH the joys of being young! "

          Just the other day I heard a middle aged man say he thought he was invincible when he was a young man in college, and that he was sure he knew everything. At 19 I hear a lot of older adults reminisce and yearn for the days of yesteryear, "To be a teenager again! What I wouldn't give..." All these proclamations worried me, all of sudden I was aware that my days are numbered...in general first and fore most, but as a young person as well! I will only be 19 once, I will only be 19 on August the 9th once! it is all fleeting, it really is. Having come to this conclusion, I decided to start doing things for the sake of not letting life pass me by! I smoked a cigar with Jori because it was the LAST night she was ever going to be 18! I "stole" a traffic sign for all of 20 mins because it was the LAST day I was going to be 18!  If this is it, golly wholly I've got to add some fireworks into this monotony!

           Well, all this worrying spiraled into my thoughts throughout my summer activities. I was questioning why I was so unsatisfied and unfulfilled at ETSU during my freshman year. I think I hated the fact that I wasn't challenged in relationships, especially to be closer to God. Also, I found no leadership opportunities to push my growth either. Every summer I always placed myself in situations where my job stretched me relationally, emotionally, and spiritually. There was none of that at college I found... and frankly I was unimpressed. Slightly disgusted with myself even. I had slipped into the mold the culture had designed for me all along. (The mold to go with the masses to a four year school, make good grades, find my other half, get a job and live in the Holly Housewife suburbs the rest of my days. AH!!)  So! After having many discussions with my father, sister, and friends tossing around the  possibilities for my future, I concluded: Life is too short to live conventionally. As Sarah said "Kathryn, you and I are alike in the fact that we do things unconventionally." I took that up as a challenge to actually do so.

          With that seed planted in my heart God told me - ETSU no more! Evaluate your love for Art Kathryn, and decide what to do with it. Of course, I said back - Umm God, what do you want me to do with it? Just tell me! Lay out what my next adventurous step will be! Please and Thank You!  Negative Shipmate, God rarely rarely rarely answers that type of plea! Duh, so I cling to a verse Eliza wrote to me in a letter : Jeremiah 29: 11-14
^"11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil,to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴I will be found by you, declares the LORD,"


          And so! I am seeking Him with my whole heart. I am coming to Him and praying. My journey starts with a book list for the fall, and the first book: "The Soul of Prayer" By P.T. Forsyth. More to come on that little, DEEP piece of literature! But at least now I can say: let my unconventional living begin!