me and my sister, we make a great pair...i just succeeded in leaving my purse in the movie theater only realizing after we walked out that i would need my license....wallet...anti bacterial lotion oh and dont forget mascara! to continue to function w.the rest of the evening. sooo yea. and i think that embarrassed eliza more than me. she got me back though by gracefully and completely tripping the second exit out of the building. we're good.:)
i am learning the art of quilling! thanks to Heidi, i am now painstakingly creating a tree out of little 1cm wide strips of paper coiled and pinched into various shapes. sounds weird...it is! but! its also really cool looking and whenever i have the patience and time I test this new ground in the craft world.
i also carry this tackle box around. when i picked it out in walmart the legit fishermen eyed me. but hey now! tackle boxes are actually quite portable and organized and one is now serving my jewelry making hobby. really i stick to earrings. i talked to a girl yesterday who has her own mini kiln and sculpts jewelry out of silver clay to then heats it up and melts it to create her intricate flowers etc for her beautiful necklaces. I, on the other hand stick to store bought beads and try to combine them with a little style and originality. i am even attempting to sell some in a craft fair the Stephens are apart of next weekend. those hobbies and my goal of making all my Christmas presents this year keeps my creative juices flowing. As well as supports the kind cashiers at hobby lobby and Michaels. this is why tonight I am also on a mission to create a budget! wish me luck. gah
The holidays are a time to be merry and throw parties and to overall be jolly and chubby! haha, it never fails that i usually gain some holiday cheer and winter insulation! but thats not really my point. I am trying to spend this season in reflection of the six years it has been since mom passed away. its a delicate balance between remembering and rejoicing. i really...i really can't say that i remember that much, and it's killing me.
i think i remember learning in psychology last semester that kids, and maybe adults, deal with grief and trauma sometimes by completely blocking it out of their mind, forgetting it. I guess i did that. eliza and heidi where talking about what happened around Christmas 2004 and mom's funeral and i honestly dont remember Heidi even being there for that. what?? why?? its troublesome because now i am ready to remember. a lot of people would probably say that its been six years and it is more than time to move on. no. oh no, this type of thing takes a life time to work through, and it gives you a totally different perspective in life from the rest of the world. all i can say is i've come to terms with being ok with not being ok. its better to just go ahead and be sad when you're feeling sad than try to suppress everything. that's disastrous!
i wasn't afraid to be a mess at the time of my mother's death. i remember locking myself in the hospital bathroom sitting down and trying to cry. i think i cried a little. but i really just wanted to be away from the waiting room crowded with people. i really just wanted to be going home to a cozy, happy house instead of wondering who we were going to stay with every night. i really wanted to remember her smell and hugs. but all i saw was a emaciated, mute woman who reached out to touch me for the last time unable to speak or sit up or even keep her eyes open.
hey look - i actually am remembering somewhat!
i think i much prefer sharing this on my blog because it diminishes the awkward real life encounters when i'm face to face with someone. i dont want people to try to say the right thing or to even talk, unless they feel lead. i much prefer a listening ear and ready hug. but sharing is just not even something i would even be able to do. it's too hard. so for now, the melancholy facet of my blog drags on...chapter three will unfold in time:)
thanks for understanding.
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