Do you want to keep dancing?

So, along with "The Soul of Prayer" and "Death of a Guru", tonight I picked up a book Sam had in my fall reading pile entitled: "Do you think I'm Beautiful?" And I thought, psshhhh Oh Paa-lease lady, who are you.. Angela Thomas?! Really this got published? because in all honesty I read "Captivating" and was totally unimpressed by the fluff and self gradification encrougaged in those pages, in my insignificant opinion that is. However, I got through the first chapter and actually liked it by the third page in chapter two.

Of course the beginging was something I could not relate to because it was a sob story, a pity party of words crowding over 20 pages about how this lady had never felt beautiful and accepted. Blah...we all have those days, I mean can we say PMS. And of course middle school is awkward and uncomfortable and embarresing. You're at the PEAK of insecurity, its just a bad situation overall! Annyway! This book was starting to really loose my interest until I decided to read onto Chapter two. The title:The Wallflower Who is Asked to Dance... how precious. Well then she told about a time in high school when the hott boy on the block actually asked her to dance, instead of her beautiful friends, who all had handsome dates with them, and she was always classified as...the wingman. The stunner came right over and pulled her to the dance floor, to her disbelief! THEN since, as always, the song ended way to quickly, she prepared herself to stand next to the wall for the remainder of the evening until...he implored "Do you want to keep dancing?"

AHHHHH! weeeeeee!!!! even though I was totally unsympathic at the start, now she definatly had me hooked. I was even squealing inside for this lady when she was a  16 year old! This strange woman writing about feeling sooo ugly, and now, now she asked the reader's of her book "Do you remember the first time you were asked to dance? Do you remember being noticed? Do you remember the crazy thing that happens to your stomach when a handsome man walks toward you? What is that? And why does it make us feel like we're floating? Are you smiling as you remember?" YES, duh, I was definatly smiling.. and it took me back.

First it took me back to the Home school fall family ball 2007 I think it was. I was 15. I had the most beautiful dress, it was by my late mom's favorite designer, Jessica McClintock. It was strapless, with black lace and a black bow accintuating my waist line which contrasted with the off-white A-line skirt. I felt like a princess - a DREAM! My friend Jamie grabbed me when I first walked into the gym and squealed for a good minuet straight at how old I looked. All that to say, there was a boy, oh and there always is a boy! Who, in the past few months had been pretty attentive through conventiant internet outlets, and on the ski slopes, and the frisbee feild. I just thought he was as cute as could be! It was perfect, I felt divinely skinny and beautiful...and that boy took notice! Back in those days though, a girl in the home school group was never allowed to be asked more than three times by the same fellah. If he wished to keep dancing with her, he had to ask the daunting father who usually congrated at the punch table. Well! My father never came to the dances and! the cutie asked me 5 times!! That was the first time I ever really felt singluarly noticed.

SIDE NOTE: However, much to my dismay, there is not a  happy ending like you're expecting from this sappy tale. He told me after the last dance that he was going to the high school football game to meet up with his....GIRL FRIEND. EXCUSE ME?! yea, eliza had to support my deflating frame as I wilted off my 4inch heels. From then on my feathers were ruffled and I subjected him to my wrath...and I write this with a grimace on my face...poor kid.

Second, I feel like commenting on the question about what happens to your stomach when a handsome man starts sauntering your way. I am terrible,absolutely awkward in this situation. For example, at a recent contra dance I attended, a very attractive guy made eye contact with me continiously through one dance, and afterwards was purposefully making his way over to me...and I knew it...and I froze, got the gitters, couldn't breath. THEN! I immediately turned my body away and pretended to be looking for someone on the other side of the gym, completely closing myself off from him. Ah! I have kicked myself inwardly for reacting like that, and making it a habit, because he was then intercepted by a bold young lady and I totally missed that opportunity for the rest of the night! Yes, I know that stomach feeling, why it is? I would really like to know, or well, at least have someone me strongly encourage to react differently. Naturally I flee from it haha! One day though, i know I will no doubt run to it.

For tonight, that is all.
Feel Beautiful, but more importantly "The Happiest People in the World are those who do the most for Others" - Booker T. Washington.

Enchantment

Rain rain rain, lots of rain. Its so wonderful for short seasons, you know, a day or two at a time. Its neat how God plans out the weather, the days of eternal sunshine and summer breezes. Then the days of fall wind and changing leaves; the days of frigid air and snow falling sideways. Of course then, there are days like today: rainy, foggy, damp. I throughly enjoyed! Cuddled up in my bed listening to the rain fall, snuggling in my sweat shirt, and finally heating up with delicious Thai food Stu cooked tonight.

I thought alot about it today, while trying to talk to God, praise and adore him continually. I thought about a lot of things today. For instance, driving back to CC from Boone, a chipmunk dashed in between my car and the truck in front of me while we where barreling down a hill at 50mph. Yup, I thought woah! nice job chippy! Good timing you didnt even get squished, you were running SO fast! Dude I wonder if I googled it I could find out how fast chipmunks can run! OMG, what the heck, I just spent a full minute pondering the maximum speed of a ground squirelle. Do I need help? Well, yes.

It was an enjoyable day, I thought about how, from now on, I'll be asking God about all the finicial desicions I have to make. What to purchase, which roadtrips to take, how much money to save. I wondered - Is it silly to converse with God in WalMart when a beautiful, shiny bottle of new mascara is just screaming at me to buy? Or do I buy a cup of coffee..or wait? What about a bagel? Nope! I concluded God wants to help me be a better me, and I get way stressed about money so why not ask Him to assist me?

Good, that habit is now formed. Plus I was reading in The Soul of Prayer page 15:

Mind Blowing Quote #2 -  "We do not simply spread our thought out before God, but we offer it to Him, turn it on Him, bring it to bear on Him, press it on Him.This is our great and first sacrifice, and it becomes pressure on God. We can offer God nothing so great and effective as our obediant acceptance of the mind and purpose and work of Chirst. It is not easy. It is harder than any idealism. But then it is very mighty. And it is a power that grows by excersieze At first it groan, at last it glides."

I read that this morning and it influenced me all day. I was driving behind a schoolbus coming through Bethel in the rain. I had Corinne Bailey Ray jammin in the CD player and I was belting out the tunes. I soon realized the kids on the bus where getting off and turning around to stare at me as I drove by... I quickly settled down, my craziness is becoming public. Then the thought occured to me, I'm pretty sure it is already a known fact that I'm weird, many friends say it to my face infact at ETSU. My sister and I frighted the Stephens children together this morning, Hey she's going to be a first grade teacher, and I'm going to be...something! And in those professions it's curcial to be silly, let the child inside loose. We agreed, you're a much happier, more enjoyable human if you except your weirdness and let it flow. haha. Well, Corinne and I sang this song called Enchantment,  and it was just so appropriate.

Today I was enchanted by the rain, by the fog, by God.

EAT PRAY LOVE

Just finished watching Eat Pray Love with Sarah, Eliza and Rebecca. 

Today we embarked on a roadtrip to naaaaashville TN. yee haw! Rebecca moved so this trip was pretty much mandatory before this semester started. Eliza and I picked Sarah up, after kissing visiting, nephew, baby Judson good bye until Sunday night, grabbed some chickfila for lunch with Jori in Knoxville, and sweated our brains out on arrival to the grand old music city. 

Thanks God for the therapy of laughter. I swear we ate, laughed, ate, laughed, and ate! and its not over :)

We visited Belmont as a potential for Sarah's future music home, and Rebecca took us to a contra dance... while there we were hit on by people NOT of the opposite gender - AH! -  and a picture of all 4 of us was snapped for a man's single co-workers who had decided to not make an appearance tonight. We were all sort of caught off guard!! oh dear. ha But the best part was being with the best friends that God brought to me in the awkward stages of high school. And who for some reason decided to stick around. Let me just say thanks to Rebecca for helping me incorporate giggling into every day life; thanks to Sarah for helping me sharpen my wit and sarcasm; and Eliza for lovingly laughing at me because life is rather comical, especially if you watch me. YUP. Ok I feel better, all the sappiness from that feel good movie just oozed out here. I can sleep now.

 Eat: eat without guilt

 Pray: well, pray without ceasing

 Love: love unconditionally

My Word: Delight

Tussle

Tussle: an intense argument, controversy, or struggle.


Sheesh.
Recently I verbalized to Dad that I have a new addition to my list of life goals. The addition: to become a prayer warrior. Oh how poetic, romantic, how spiritually heroic I felt every time I thought about it. But now I just feel crappy, self centered and narcissistic. My resolve turned out to be less than perfect of course, and my determination suffered from discouragement as my flesh began to tussle with my spiritual heart. 


My motive started out pure. Mrs. Elaine Endres is a mighty prayer warrior in my community. I aspire to become just like her. She visited Cherokee Cove this summer and said that day she came for the soul purpose of seeing me. She felt like God wanted her there to see me and be to me like a Grandmother. Turns out, the night before Eliza had come through a scary spiritual attack from the devil and called me, 5:30am Colorado time to tell me about it. Of course she was fine, rattled, but strengthened by the power of the Word and the Holy Spirit. However when she told me the account, I burst into tears and wanted to be right beside her to protect her. Impossible, she was 2000miles away. So, Samantha sent me to Mrs. Elaine and I knelt at her feet and wept while she held my face between her weathered little hands and prayed. It was powerful. The rest of the morning as I worked around the conference center, I watched as people would come to her and she would ask one simple question: How can I pray for you? Then they would merely say a sentence or two and she would sit them down, take their hands in hers and pray. She wouldn't always close her eyes, and I was comforted by that. Because, I swear, she's an angel, she has the eyes of God, or something! Because you feel the Lord talk to you, and you see it in her piercing blue eyes. Piercing, icy blue eyes that relay love, peace and purity. From that day on, I decided I wanted to become a woman like her. She has such a connection to God, and it is through her prayer life! She shakes the gates of heaven, if you believe in the pearly gates, every time she prays. So she inspired me.


Then, a few days ago had an epiphany... shes in her 70s, 80s... I am 19. I am light years away from her state of communion with God. Who am I kidding. This goal...this goal is on a whole different level than the goal to Kayak around Chicago, or go to England for my 20th birthday, or hike the whole AT. Heavens to Betsy, this goal is going to be an on going life long tussle. And I feel enormously unprepared. 


But God is no unprepared. I think thats why He drew me to my Dad's bookshelf, and specifically to the book "The Soul of Prayer" by P.T. Forsyth. He wants me to reach my goals, but starting today, I'm not gonna try to do it alone.


Mind Blowing quote #1:
"'Great blessings which are won with prayer are worn with thankfulness' Praise is the converted consecration of the egoism that may have moved our prayer." - pg 14


First step, learn to praise God in my prayers - every time.... oh  my

Living Unconventionally

"OH the joys of being young! "

          Just the other day I heard a middle aged man say he thought he was invincible when he was a young man in college, and that he was sure he knew everything. At 19 I hear a lot of older adults reminisce and yearn for the days of yesteryear, "To be a teenager again! What I wouldn't give..." All these proclamations worried me, all of sudden I was aware that my days are numbered...in general first and fore most, but as a young person as well! I will only be 19 once, I will only be 19 on August the 9th once! it is all fleeting, it really is. Having come to this conclusion, I decided to start doing things for the sake of not letting life pass me by! I smoked a cigar with Jori because it was the LAST night she was ever going to be 18! I "stole" a traffic sign for all of 20 mins because it was the LAST day I was going to be 18!  If this is it, golly wholly I've got to add some fireworks into this monotony!

           Well, all this worrying spiraled into my thoughts throughout my summer activities. I was questioning why I was so unsatisfied and unfulfilled at ETSU during my freshman year. I think I hated the fact that I wasn't challenged in relationships, especially to be closer to God. Also, I found no leadership opportunities to push my growth either. Every summer I always placed myself in situations where my job stretched me relationally, emotionally, and spiritually. There was none of that at college I found... and frankly I was unimpressed. Slightly disgusted with myself even. I had slipped into the mold the culture had designed for me all along. (The mold to go with the masses to a four year school, make good grades, find my other half, get a job and live in the Holly Housewife suburbs the rest of my days. AH!!)  So! After having many discussions with my father, sister, and friends tossing around the  possibilities for my future, I concluded: Life is too short to live conventionally. As Sarah said "Kathryn, you and I are alike in the fact that we do things unconventionally." I took that up as a challenge to actually do so.

          With that seed planted in my heart God told me - ETSU no more! Evaluate your love for Art Kathryn, and decide what to do with it. Of course, I said back - Umm God, what do you want me to do with it? Just tell me! Lay out what my next adventurous step will be! Please and Thank You!  Negative Shipmate, God rarely rarely rarely answers that type of plea! Duh, so I cling to a verse Eliza wrote to me in a letter : Jeremiah 29: 11-14
^"11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil,to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴I will be found by you, declares the LORD,"


          And so! I am seeking Him with my whole heart. I am coming to Him and praying. My journey starts with a book list for the fall, and the first book: "The Soul of Prayer" By P.T. Forsyth. More to come on that little, DEEP piece of literature! But at least now I can say: let my unconventional living begin!