Tussle

Tussle: an intense argument, controversy, or struggle.


Sheesh.
Recently I verbalized to Dad that I have a new addition to my list of life goals. The addition: to become a prayer warrior. Oh how poetic, romantic, how spiritually heroic I felt every time I thought about it. But now I just feel crappy, self centered and narcissistic. My resolve turned out to be less than perfect of course, and my determination suffered from discouragement as my flesh began to tussle with my spiritual heart. 


My motive started out pure. Mrs. Elaine Endres is a mighty prayer warrior in my community. I aspire to become just like her. She visited Cherokee Cove this summer and said that day she came for the soul purpose of seeing me. She felt like God wanted her there to see me and be to me like a Grandmother. Turns out, the night before Eliza had come through a scary spiritual attack from the devil and called me, 5:30am Colorado time to tell me about it. Of course she was fine, rattled, but strengthened by the power of the Word and the Holy Spirit. However when she told me the account, I burst into tears and wanted to be right beside her to protect her. Impossible, she was 2000miles away. So, Samantha sent me to Mrs. Elaine and I knelt at her feet and wept while she held my face between her weathered little hands and prayed. It was powerful. The rest of the morning as I worked around the conference center, I watched as people would come to her and she would ask one simple question: How can I pray for you? Then they would merely say a sentence or two and she would sit them down, take their hands in hers and pray. She wouldn't always close her eyes, and I was comforted by that. Because, I swear, she's an angel, she has the eyes of God, or something! Because you feel the Lord talk to you, and you see it in her piercing blue eyes. Piercing, icy blue eyes that relay love, peace and purity. From that day on, I decided I wanted to become a woman like her. She has such a connection to God, and it is through her prayer life! She shakes the gates of heaven, if you believe in the pearly gates, every time she prays. So she inspired me.


Then, a few days ago had an epiphany... shes in her 70s, 80s... I am 19. I am light years away from her state of communion with God. Who am I kidding. This goal...this goal is on a whole different level than the goal to Kayak around Chicago, or go to England for my 20th birthday, or hike the whole AT. Heavens to Betsy, this goal is going to be an on going life long tussle. And I feel enormously unprepared. 


But God is no unprepared. I think thats why He drew me to my Dad's bookshelf, and specifically to the book "The Soul of Prayer" by P.T. Forsyth. He wants me to reach my goals, but starting today, I'm not gonna try to do it alone.


Mind Blowing quote #1:
"'Great blessings which are won with prayer are worn with thankfulness' Praise is the converted consecration of the egoism that may have moved our prayer." - pg 14


First step, learn to praise God in my prayers - every time.... oh  my