wait purse, what?

me and my sister, we make a great pair...i just succeeded in leaving my purse in the movie theater only realizing after we walked out that i would need my license....wallet...anti bacterial lotion oh and dont forget mascara! to continue to function w.the rest of the evening. sooo yea. and i think that embarrassed eliza more than me. she got me back though by gracefully and completely tripping the second exit out of the building. we're good.:)

i am learning the art of quilling! thanks to Heidi, i am now painstakingly creating a tree out of little 1cm wide strips of paper coiled and pinched into various shapes. sounds weird...it is! but! its also really cool looking and whenever i have the patience and time I test this new ground in the craft world.

i also carry this tackle box around. when i picked it out in walmart the legit fishermen eyed me. but hey now! tackle boxes are actually quite portable and organized and one is now serving my jewelry making hobby. really i stick to earrings. i talked to a girl yesterday who has her own mini kiln and sculpts jewelry out of silver clay to then heats it up and melts it to create her intricate flowers etc for her beautiful necklaces. I, on the other hand stick to store bought beads and try to combine them with a little style and originality. i am even attempting to sell some in a craft fair the Stephens are apart of next weekend. those hobbies and my goal of making all my Christmas presents this year keeps my creative juices flowing. As well as supports the kind cashiers at hobby lobby and Michaels. this is why tonight I am also on a mission to create a budget! wish me luck. gah

The holidays are a time to be merry and throw parties and to overall be jolly and chubby! haha, it never fails that i usually gain some holiday cheer and winter insulation! but thats not really my point. I am trying to spend this season in reflection of the six years it has been since mom passed away. its a delicate balance between remembering and rejoicing. i really...i really can't say that i remember that much, and it's killing me.

i think i remember learning in psychology last semester that kids, and maybe adults, deal with grief and trauma sometimes by completely blocking it out of their mind, forgetting it. I guess i did that. eliza and heidi where talking about what happened around Christmas 2004 and mom's funeral and i honestly dont remember Heidi even being there for that. what?? why?? its troublesome because now i am ready to remember. a lot of people would probably say that its been six years and it is more than time to move on. no. oh no, this type of thing takes a life time to work through, and it gives you a totally different perspective in life from the rest of the world. all i can say is i've come to terms with being ok with not being ok. its better to just go ahead and be sad when you're feeling sad than try to suppress everything. that's disastrous!

 i wasn't afraid to be a mess at the time of my mother's death. i remember locking myself in the hospital bathroom sitting down and trying to cry. i think i cried a little. but i really just wanted to be away from the waiting room crowded with people. i really just wanted to be going home to a cozy, happy house instead of wondering who we were going to stay with every night. i really wanted to remember her smell and hugs. but all i saw was a emaciated, mute woman who reached out to touch me for the last time unable to speak or sit up or even keep her eyes open.

 hey look - i actually am remembering somewhat!

i think i much prefer sharing this on my blog because it diminishes the awkward real life encounters when i'm face to face with someone. i dont want people to try to say the right thing or to even talk, unless they feel lead. i much prefer a listening ear and ready hug. but sharing is just not even something i would even be able to do. it's too hard. so for now, the melancholy facet of my blog drags on...chapter three will unfold in time:)

thanks for understanding.

Hey There Eliza...

The cold weather has stirred something inside me, my song writing skills are emerging... 
This is inspired by Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"
(It's helpful to sing the tune in your head while your mind is blown away my these fresh lyrics)

ODE TO ELIZA

Hey There Eliza 

what's it like in Johnson City?

 You're a hundred miles away but babe tonight you're oh so pretty 

do do dooo, 

you've got my face and my birth date, 

I swear it's truue

Hey there Eliza 

you be good and don't ya miss me, 

i'm your twin and i'm your friend, 

i'm always hereee, 

moo moo moo mooo

OOH it's weird when we're apaart,

is that your breath or did you farrrt, 

you've got a sweet sweet hearrt...

Hey There Eliza 

don't forget that I'm your wing man,

you'd always beat me when we'd burp,

work that up do, do do doo

do do doo

OOOH you're funny and you're cuuuute, 

you dance and rap and bake, 

she used to play the fluute,

 make no mistake

Hey There Eliza a ah la la la la la la la la la laaa

THE END"

Leave your jacket behind, reach out and touch the treetops...

Last  week in honor of the October Harvest theme of big plump pumpkins everywhere, in art class John, Libby, Leslie and I painted pumpkins! I really wanted to carve them, but I wasn't in the mood for pumpkin guts. So we painted! woo! left to right: John with the bow tie face, Libby with the polka dots, I did some hand prints, and Leslie painted hers' as a big birthday card for her mom(so sweet!) Art class is going pretty well! Who says you have to have a college degree PAH!

This year, because we don't believe in celebrating Halloween, I took the kids to a costume partay! We had pre assigned character - John: Calvin, Houston: Hobbes, Luke: The pumpkin eater guy, Libby: The Queen of Hearts, and I was Wilma Flintstone. Although I look like a greek version of wilma, I didn't really have access to a white fur dress so a sheet had to do! haha. 

It's funny bc last year I chose myself to be Peebles. Last year I was way more into the orange hair deal the Flintstone ladies style. So i sprayed my hair with BRIGHT orange spray - that stuff is gross! it smells terrible! Gosh I found out that I get super grumpy when my hair stinks. I just can't handle it! plus that stuff stained the shower for a while. nasty!

In honor of Libby's most beloved gerbil Dottie i am posting a video of dottie one day getting her exercise. I often was not partial to the little rat pet of hers, but! she was soft...and she had a cute little squeak when Hunter would pick her up repeatedly.. she died last week... RIP little varmint :)

PS: John has the most......adorable! footy pajamas. you should see him ecstatically bounding around the house practicing his super ninja skills.

Chubby Bunny

This is Angelo: 

He's my main man. He's the cutest when he's frolicking through the leaves, ears perked up, stumpy tail wiggling, bouncing from pile to pile! I'm pretty sure we're kindred spirits.

This fall has been SO different from what I expected it to be.. and I'm glad! Some highlights:

I sort of have a  knack for cooking mishaps... this is a picture of when I have making icing for a bajillion cupcakes for the sweet 16 party. The powdered sugar went everywhere...

But the cupcakes were super cute!

I have to say, whenever I cook with other people i usually end up telling stories about when I like baked a spoon in some pumpkin bread...or made sugar cookies that tasted like plado... Last weekend I was making a cake for a group at CC with Josh and I was chattering away about some thing ridiculous that happened to me during my baking escapades. It was really fun too because he was brave and through in chili powder and cumin to my batter! then! we made Dr. Pepper icing! This cake was gonna be a beauty! ummm well, we got sorta bored and decided, because John was pressuring us, to add more Dr. Pepper to the PERFECT icing we concocted. baaaad idea... we used the rest of the soda which made it too runny and no amount of powered sugar was coagulating the mixture of butter, sugar and soda. It looked gross haha. well! it can't hurt to put it on the stove! so Josh poured it into a sauce pan and started stirring away...that wasn't really working either. we were getting smores stuff together in the mean time so! we decided to melt some marshmellows in the pan too!! hahaha that did weird things. It turned out that Josh has mixed a bunch of like cocoa powder, chocolate chips, milk..and i don't know what else together earlier. so once the cake cooled we drizzled that on top and scooped a generous amount of vanilla icecream onto the plates. Well! it tasted good! everyone was praising it whew! Then Josh handed me a peice... my first bite was delectable! except...something was crunchy. reeeeally crunchy. okaay. um I though maybe it was freezer burned icecream or something. what ever! chomp chomp, crunch crunch cruch. My next two bites were moist and chocolatey. then the fourth bite was crunchy again! what?! so i proceeded to spit out whatever it was that wasn't supposed to be there...it was egg shell! AHHH for real? i am destined to do SOMETHING to anything i cook. how i was the one to end up with the crunchy nasty peice i dont know! but thank the Lord! haha

GIANT marshmellows! 

Also, we went camping the other night. John, Libby, Chris and I. we all hung our eno's from the rafters. And of course we roasted marsh-mellows! this roasting session was superb haha because! we had GINORMOUS marsh-mellows!!!! it's practically impossible to play chubby bunny! and trust me we all tried:) numerous times...

Libby and I also figured out that sneaking into the pantry(at 9am) and playing Chubby Bunny is the best way to go from depressed and gloomy to doubled over in laughter. it's great therapy. She won, she fit 5 marshmellows in her cute little mouth!

I also have to say that lately john has been a mini counselor to me. Every time we're in Panera Bread, it seems like, we end up discussing my (nonexistent) love life! who knew a 13 yr old boy could be so insightful and encouraging and well...wise, on such matters as dating, the heart, and true love?!! haha he really has said profound things to me, despite me being 6 years his senior. LOVE IT.

Well..I plan to pop out some more posts this week. i've been a little dry lately. ta ta for now!

Robust!

God was First to Say, 'You Are My Friends" - A.W.Tozer - Renewed Day by Day


Greater man hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13


"The idea of the divine-human friendship originated with God. Had not God first said "Ye are my friends" it would be inexcusably brash for any man to say 'I am a friend of God.'


But since He claims us for His friends it is an act of unbelief to ignore or deny the relationship!


Even though radically different from each other, two persons may enjoy the closest friendship that the participants be alike in all things; it is enough that they be alike at the points where their personalities touch. Harmony is likeness at points of contact, and friendship is likeness where hearts merge.


For this reason the whole idea of the divine-human friendship is logical enough and entirely credible. The infinite God and the finite man can merge their personalities in the tenderest, most satisfying friendship. In such relationship there is no idea of equality; only of likeness where the heart of man meets the heart of God!


This likeness is possible because God at the first made man in His own image and is now remaking men in the image that was lost by sin. Perfection lies on God's side but on man's side there are weaknesses of purpose, lack of desire and small faith.


In spite of human frailties we can grow in grace and move progressively toward a more perfect experiential union with God, exercising robust faith in the truths revealed in the Scriptures!"


I really have nothing to say or really add to this. It blew me away the first time I read it,  and I have been rereading it for the past week, mulling over the power in Tozer's words.  If you read the last post you know I have come to a place in my life where the Lord has removed me from the beaten path and with excitement grabbed my hand as He starts a new pace on a new narrow trail.  Yes His excitement is contagious, but I have to admit...I am a bit of an Eyore at times. I think, purely out of ignorance. I just complain when I can't see what's up ahead. I've had to re-teach myself to stop making long term plans. Those always fall through, mostly because I was the leader of those imagined, potential escapades, not God. Today I told someone I wasn't planning beyond the spring semester yet simply because God has taught me to wait for Him..


So on my current path so far.. God is my friend. I love it when Tozer writes: The infinite God and the finite man can merge their personalities in the tenderest, most satisfying friendship. That touches my heart. 


My friends are dear to me. They are also far away from me. God has decided, I think, that this section of "The Kathryn Trail"  (haha, i know it's cheesey) is more of a two person ascent of a ridge line. Can't really see anything except dense trees, with the hope of a beautiful view at the top...and God has me in step behind Him. I know so many of my friends have large groups of people surrounding them daily with joy, encouragement and love. I've decided they're on day hike type thing. Lots of people fellowshipping with each other, the Lord leading the way to the overlook where they'll rejoice together at the beauty and faithfulness of the Lord, but eventually they'll take God's hand singularly and trudge onward. Course all hikes are different, maybe mine will be a day hike excursion soon. If not that's God guidance. 


I also love the combination of words Tozer uses when he says "exercising robust faith in the truths revealed in the Scriptures!" ROBUST - say it out loud! its so fun! I think of.... like Beauty and the Beast! and how the beast was transformed into a handsome ROBUST prince! robust faith, I still have to decided what the looks and feels like. 


So "The Kathryn Trail" has been really strenuous today, so I over and out you little hikers! haha( i think my analogies need some help)


PS: I really enjoyed Tozer's passage too because he used exclamation points after a ton of his profound sentences! Yessss they're my fav!!!

I just want to be with You-ooh-oo, Just want this waiting to be oh-ver-hrrr

Rough Day
I won't lie
Today my mom would've been 62
yea, that sounds old
sadly enough...it been 6 years since we celebrated her birthday in her presence
i hardly remember her
i wish i could smell her again, feel her hug, her stories and back scratches at night
YEAST ROLLS!
homemade chex mix! yummmmm
and books....

God and I had a good talk today! We went to the Volunteer cabin and I held nothing back. It was time for a DTR...
you know Define The Relationship talk. real talk time

Basically I recounted how I felt like, with every relationship, He unexpectedly pulled it right out from beneath me. To go into detail would be boring for you, and laborious for me so I will spare you the extra 5inches of screen scrolling.
So I said GOD - sob sob sob - what's the deal man? I am very aware that i don't need other people to find fulfillment! I know, my brain knows, that You alone provide for alllllllll my needs. But I guess moving me away from my brother, then dad, then sister relationally proves the point to my heart huh? Yea and the permanent removal of mom does FOR SURE

I digress, i know that was borderline T.M.I.

God spoke to me though, as I was sitting on the sink in the cabin bathroom, with the toilet paper in my hands, and the trashcan at my feet during this tearful convo.
He said "My Child, Job wrote: I know that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted; Trust Me." "ok" "Use your season at CC right know to draw strength from me, let me be Your lover, I know the desires of your heart." "ok"..."BUT GOD...its too hard!!!!!!! its SO hard being backwards from the norm. what the crap this new job might look and sound easy, but you try living in the middle of woods, with all you closest friends at least an hour away, or over seas!!" "Trust Me." Secretly, I think He really was saying...I love you, but shut up! 

Finally, after I talked all my sinful selfishness out loud to Him, I settled down and received a text from my dearest twin. she wrote: I Believe God has made you to be a missionary and right now, cc is your mission field. Missionaries are sometimes isolated from many people, but they can be so close to God at that time. I love you, and I know that God is pleased with you!

Well that started me on a whole new nose blowing tissue fit! Thanks Eliza, but for real, that was so timely. God is so faithful like that.

So in conclusion I'm sticking to my original plan of waiting, even til the last second, on decision making because sometimes that exactly how God plans things.

Then I ran up the driveway to clear my sinuses and puffy eyeballs...
the song i think by Chris Rice or Bebo Norman....or Micheal W. Smith, I dont really remember, came to mind: I just want to be with you. I want this waiting to be over. Just want to be with you, It helps to know the day is getting closer. It was comforting.

I did try and petition God to take me by His side right now. That wasn't received well... I suppose that was actually a selfish request!

However, I am exhausted now and truly spiritually empowered(if not emotionally) by God to stick to this path, this extra-ordinary path marked for me.
 Lately too God gave me this verse that stuck with me. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3
"You are our letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men; being manifested that you are a letter of Christ, cared for by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone, but on Human Hearts."

I love it.

Perhaps... I guess, this is the time in my life where He is writing one of His "letters" on my heart. Oh I pray that it would be so.

Thank you Captain Obvious!

God's Spirit Bears Witness Within: A.W.Tozer
Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit...after the tradition of men...and not after Christ. Colossians 2:8

"When I was a young Christian I had my Bible and a hymnbook and a few other books, including Andrew Murray and Thomas a' Kempis and I got myself educated as well as I could by reading books, I read the philosophy of all the great minds - and many of those men did not believe in God, you know-and they did not believe in Christ.
I remember reading White's Warfare of Science with Christianity, and if any man can read that and still say he is saved, he isn't saved by his reading; he is saved by the Holy Ghost within him telling him that he is saved!
Do you know what I would do after I would read a chapter or two and find arguments that I could not possibly defeat? I would get down on my knees and with tears I would thank God with joy that no matter what the books said, 'I know Thee, my Saviour and my Lord!'
I didn't have it in my head- I had it in my heart! There is a great difference, you see.
If we have it only in our heads, then philosophy may be of some help to us; but if we have it in our hearts there is not much philosophy can do except stand aside reverently, hat in hand, and say. ' Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty!'
In short, if you have to be reasoned into Christianity, some wise fellow can reason you out of it, as well!"

I think the most moving part of Tozer's excerpt from his devotional "Renewed Day by Day" is when he unashamedly admits to crying, laid out on the floor before God. I cry all the time when I talk to God. He moves me to tears, often times if someone were to ever be with me i wouldn't be able to explain why I was crying except that, in awe of the Lord my spirit is moved deeply. I cannot say that I find philosophy especially intriguing to become involved with, and I have no desire to debate and work through thoughts by spilling them out in front of people to be obliterated and destroyed. No, no, I much prefer to ponder things on my own and asked much trusted mentors in my life about deep philosophical dilemmas. 


But! I was encouraged by Tozer's confession to not knowing all the answers. He was stumped! How I do respect his willingness to admit that, instead of speaking in circles and blowing out hot air. 


I took an ethics class last semester, honestly I could have made an A....but towards the end of the year my desire to read the dry material vanished. However, I went to class, sat on the second row...and pretended three times a week to be thinking intently on the controversial topic and shift in my seat enough to imply that I was about to say something... and that I was intellectually stimulated. Well, I take that back, I was intellectually stimulated, but any retort that would come out of my mouth sounded completely elementary and needed the half asleep punk in the back of the room to shout "Thank you captain obvious!" I am completely NOT gifted in the area of argumentation when it comes to logic. I know I believe in pro-life, in God, and I disagree with euthanasia etc. To have me compare various arguments and dissect multiple theories just made my brain hurt, my eyes go crossed, and despair fill my heart. I really have no skill! I know what I know and believe what I believe because of the Holy Spirit convicting my moral compass to point north. Anyway, that class frustrated me like White's writing frustrated Tozer. I was road blocked sometimes, but only because my brain couldn't figure things out enough to explain it to twisted philosophical thinkers. 


My dad has reassured me in the past that there are many benefits to begin people smart instead of merely book smart. We live in a book-smart-matters-more-than-anything-else world, so its hard to convince myself sometimes that my SAT scores don't determine the course of my LIFE! And really, they don't really if you're made to be a people person, and honestly, following the Lord may take me away from mind boggling logical arguments and academics stressed so much in our society.


To finish, I do love reading the toned down version of Tozer's deep thoughts in his daily devotional, as I do love "My Utmost for His Highest" and "Knowing God," and scores of other books that challenge me to ponder, and contemplate; that push my thinking of God, life, and the universe forward! Capisce?!