XOXOXO

She jumped into my storage bin and wanted a push around the house.

 I love my sister. Even when I'm grumpy and un-amused she still! always knows how to make me laugh!:) The other night she was apparently on a high from her flu meds. I was feeling very feverish and not really wanting any kind of physical touch - well! Eliza, stumbling around, thought other wise saying "Oh you're just grumpy because you just really want a HUG! hug me!" She's so darn cute so I did. ha! She also told me the lap top sounded as loud as the opera... okay! She rambled for quite some time that night. Here are some pics of some fun sister time. I love her silliness...a lot!

Betty decided to get a leg workout and pushed Eliza, in her bin, back to our room

A litte hyper? Yes..I walked out of the room and found sweat pants red heels and pig tails. Shes a stunner!

 It's been snowing for the past few days, and since Eliza and I have just about been healed from the Flu I found Eliza outside the kitchen window building her little mini snow man.

She was working up to putting a head on that huge base :)

Awwwww

I'm Up!

And....I'm down ha!

Snowball!

Clearing the snow off my board...didn't really work haha

I tried to catch some air...But I ended up bruising my butt. Pavement really hurts ha

The puppies! Ally and Bailey

Cute little Puppy Nose

Two Thousand Eleven

"Then Job answered the Lord and said, 'I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. 

Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?

Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.

Hear, now, and I will speak;

I will ask You, and You instruct me.

I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,

But now my eye sees You;

Therefore I retract,

And I repent in dust and ashes."

-Job 42:1-6

The word(s) of the year for 2011:

JOY

LETTING GO

TRUST

Now usually people can summarize their meaningful word of the year in....one word. However, for me it's a combination of words that represent what God has taught me over the past week. I mean, in her movie, Julia Roberts even had three words for her year of traveling... except she turned to Hinduism instead of God, and she didn't really live a morally upstanding life... But! Eat, Pray, Love. Three nice, pretty words. Mine, well, mine aren't that concise. 

First Joy: my friend during a prayer time this week in Colorado shared with me that she felt like this year would be a year of Joy for me. Joy in the Lord. I'm naturally a pretty cheerful person...but Joy, that's pure. That's an essences that flows from your soul and is found when one fellowships daily with the Lord. 

Second Letting Go: this came to me when, in the Prayer Chapel, I sat alone with God. I was in turmoil and I distinctly remember hearing, Let Go. My dad and my sister also counseled me with those same words. 

Third Trust: this correlates with Letting Go, but I need to say Trust God to myself to reinforce my resignation of my will to Him. I even have a box which I painted and inside I put the majors things I worry about, and in leaving those things to God by placing them inside the box, I have a visual reminder to Trust God.

 I think, because a lot of huge changes have occurred in the last 6 years I copped by planning. To feel secure and really, in control, I constantly planned out the next few steps for my life. There was a curious trend though that became very apparent to me. None of the plans ever came to fruition. This reality didn't really hit me until about three days ago. During a worship and prayer time one night at Spring Canyon I realized my plans were pointless, my stress was unnecessary, and my security is found in God, not my strength. Thus, through many tears I now understand what Job is saying :'Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'

I will ask God, He will instruct me. Corina shared an analogy with me. When I try to tell directions to a friend I don't just say okay start in Blowing Rock, and end up at my house in Boone. I give them step by step, turn left here, drive on this road then turn right etc etc. God doesn't instruct His children all the same way. Some people I've tried to compare myself to have been given all the directions at once from God. For me, I don't even know my destination. Only that I can hold God's hand in the darkness and right at the moment I need to turn, He will tell me. 

In 2010 I thought I had Joy, but I was really so confused about my long term direction that I worried more than anything. I found contentment in the tasks God gave me, but I would also try to look ahead and discern through the darkness what to do next month. I know now that Joy is experienced by not fretting about tomorrow. Listening to God for the task of the day and leaving the planning to Him. Joy is experienced even more once I have learned to let go.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighter! hoo ha!

Six Years.... feeling: BLAH
no emotion, apathetic? numb

Two day ago I was concerned with the annual Christmas tummy ache. Gross. As a friend said "I am currently pregnant with a food baby."

Christmas day we had lunch with Betty's family (nap) and dinner with my Aunt! At least at her house we played Wii and boxed and played tennis and bowled. Ha that was fun! And we had a White Christmas! It was beautiful.  However, on the way home I discovered a new pet peeve of mine. These pet peeves usually concern the car.
 #1) I hate it when people tell me how to drive. I just do. Even if I make a mistake, leave me alone! (but see my frustration at people is usually checked by...something inside me, I don't know what.. so, I usual clamp up, and say nothing in reply. but if you know me, you know I am especially angry when I don't talk...)
#2) Squeaky wind shield wipers. I will turn the wipers on and off manually just to make sure there is enough water on the wind shield to insure smooth, squeak-less wiping. haha it's stupid.
#3) Malfunctioning wipers. The drive home Christmas night was squeaky and dangerous because smack dab in the middle of my line of sight was a huge melty, snowy blob! I had to hunch over (food baby and all) the whole way home because the annoying wipers weren't wiping! sheesh. Whatever. That concludes pet peeves section number 1.

I am in love with Jack Black. He is just so funny to me and if you haven't seen The Holiday, you should! Also, I got Kung Fu Panda from Eliza this Christmas...I am in heaven! haha, not really, but! I feel asleep watching it last night and judge me if you want because one of my favorite movies ever is a cartoon animation, I still loooooove it. :) The Kung Fu Fighting song music video was disappointing though. I have no desire to watch legit Kung Fu children preforming their forms and sparing like master pros. ha! I think I'll make my own haha.
"There is no charge for Awesomeness....or Attractiveness!" - Po, the Panda (aka Jack Black)

My parents payed for a plane ticket out to Colorado for New years as our Christmas present. I am very excited because we leave tomorrow for a whole week and! I will board for the first time EVER on a real mountain. wooooo

I think my most cherished present though is something Eliza made me. Hah it's the cutest thing in all the land! She bought a paint your own piggy bank kit from Wal-Mart and painted me a college fund piggy bank. Decked out in purple and yellow, green and orange, with adorable blue eyes and yellow eye lashes :) I named her Louella. Lou Lou, for short. She will be helping me reach my dreams and goal in 2011 and beyond. She is here to inspire me to keep working hard. To help remind me that real life is not always really fun and to keep me going. To bad she's an inanimate object, or else she would be my BFF. I'll take her picture soon with my spiffy new camera Auntie gave me.

We went sledding yesterday! That helped to distract me for a while. I always want to talk about it, but I never want to be a debbie downer and be a kill joy. So, it's my fault, but I end up getting impatient and annoyed and sad because I didn't share my feelings about the anniversary of my mom's death and no one seems to have a clue. Well, they dont of course! So after a fun day with Mac and Jackson and Jamie sledding and eating food in Siberia, aka: Boone. We went to see The Tourist. Don't waste your time, or money! I thought it was super slow and it needed either more comedy or more action. I kept waiting for something explosive to happen. Instead we made fun of Angelina Jolie and her awkward bony hips swinging from side to side, or should I say jutting out from side to side, attempting to look sexy. That girl needs some more meat on her bones - can I get an Amen?! So then, at home, Ben and Jerry came to the rescue. As well as sleep. Today is a new day, and I have a lot of things to accomplish in honor of my mother, and a lot of dreams to realize because of her legacy. Here we go.





Quiet Time Excerpt:
"God understands its way. And He knows its place. For He looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. When He imparted weight to the wind and meted out the waters by measure, when He set a limit for the rain and a course for the thunderbolt. Then He saw it and declared it; He established it and also searched it out, and to man He said "Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; And to depart from evil is understanding." - Job 28:22-28

Phasing Out

The NANNY DIARIES installment number two:

This was the last full day of babysitting...

I am so thankful to have a room to myself tonight, all the girls are upstairs and the boys are across the hall.

The most stressful part was the snow element..and the ice. The driveway has given me about 187thousand heart attacks this week...i have developed the skill of pretending to be calm, to ignore the fact that the car is slipping close to the cliff-side of the driveway, and to stifle the gasps, screams, exclamations and really I just worked on my straight, poker face. 

I know I want kids...but not for a long while.

John drove me on the four wheeler to the mailbox today. Eight miles total, and yes I have embraced how red neck that just sounded. He is a good driver, my little 13 yr old chaufer...at one point since the roads are switch backs and sharp curves and the driveway gets very little sun he said "HAHA Woahh! I was completely out of control! haha Awesome!" to which I said " Sweet! haha!" oh wait... "and we're laughing!" I didn't know if I should be laughing.. but! it was fun..i won't lie.

John also pulled me up the driveway from the Conference center as I held onto a rope attached the the four wheeler. EPIC! I do have two bruised, narly knees to show for it...and a ripped pair of board pants. I was glad the roar from the engine smothered the sounds of my involuntary shouts/screams. It def was an adrenaline rush keeping my board from catching icy edges or plowing into deep drifts. Once though I hit a random spot of pavement right as I rounded the turn (to which I rode through excellently! haha) and did my second face plant, this time slamming my knees too and i literally thought I was going to throw up. The frozen left over BBQ Sam and Stu had left me to reheat for the kids had turned out to be more like BBQ soup bc of all the sauce and...well it wasn't really settling well. ANYWAY that was awesome... it was a first for me...I really wanna try wake boarding now

Libby and John were practicing their Proverbs 3 verse they have to memorize. It talks about finding, and seeking wisdom to which supplied a quote of the day: "In my head I had a safari man hacking around in the jungle and he found a big hairy wisdom!" -John

I have a big long list of activities I wish to accomplish this Christmas break! First I must call Jamie, she's finally back from Brazil! Then I have a ice skating outing to arrange, a Nashville road trip to execute, an Elf movie showing to Rachel Barry since she has been deprived her whole life and has never seen this classic! Then I must go caroling! and theres a church Christmas party and la la la this is boring to write about... however Eliza and I will be going to Spring Canyon, Colorado over New years and I can't wait to board out West!

this nanny phase is phasing out... i am sure I will be reflecting on this period of time in the future...for now though i am looking forward to having a few less responsibilities, as immature as that sounds, and throughly enjoying the company of my Boone friends!

Baby, it's Cold outside.

Slowly running out of vegetables.

The first installment of the NANNY DIARIES is in:

This week I am super nanny. (where is TLC?)

I pray to God that I will never be a single mother. (this week, if it were a life time would be a struggle)

I really wish I had more vegetables to support my attempt to regain that girlish figure (from...long ago)

The dog dragged in a dear bone. (Gross)

The sugar cookies actually stayed soft. (and are oh so festive!)

Libby painted my nails red and did dainty little Christmas trees on them. (CUTE! i'm so proud)

The sibling arguments are making me edgy and slightly spacey. It's weird, i AM an air head in general...but I start thinking of how to solve the problem, prevent the discussion from reoccurring and what to say...except then it continues, like  now for instance...they are bickering...i fully understand the statement "You have to chose your battles"

All the snow is beautiful! Except...the next two days for certain will be spent in-doors...no driving or interaction with anyone else... i pray for patience and stamina so they we can all be a big happy family! no negativity and the stir craziness will be minimum!

John, Libby and I went snowboarding again today! That was a highlight. The drifts have to be about 3 feet at the top of the driveway and the layer of ice beneath the snow makes the "slope" nice and fast. The fourwheeler is also an added entertainment because John is perfecting his donut skills ha! Ya know, i would qualify this activity as cross country snowboarding. But..well the lack of poles, that cross country skiers have, puts a damper on things. You get really good and hopping strapped in! (i'm working on my lateral jump thank you very much) haha The four wheeler though is really nice to have around. Tomorrow we have being pulled like wake boarding up the driveway and creating a sick jump.

I made them cinnamon rolls for breakfast, grilled cheese for lunch and chili with salad for dinner. Tomorrow I think we'll have cereal for breakfast, ummmmm grilled cheese for lunch...and hamburgers! for dinner. Then we have more forzen chili soooo that, no doubt, will be served again.

Well its craft time.

Quote of the day "You shouldn't have so many priorities! If you want a 'barbie doll' go buy a barbie doll!" haha it just really made me laugh... Hunter was speaking to John when we were discussing everyones dating options...that is if they were old enough, or aloud to date at this time :) they're sooo cute.

Time to let the dog out...he poops a ton, for being so little he is a legit pooping machine...i'm a little concerned

wait purse, what?

me and my sister, we make a great pair...i just succeeded in leaving my purse in the movie theater only realizing after we walked out that i would need my license....wallet...anti bacterial lotion oh and dont forget mascara! to continue to function w.the rest of the evening. sooo yea. and i think that embarrassed eliza more than me. she got me back though by gracefully and completely tripping the second exit out of the building. we're good.:)

i am learning the art of quilling! thanks to Heidi, i am now painstakingly creating a tree out of little 1cm wide strips of paper coiled and pinched into various shapes. sounds weird...it is! but! its also really cool looking and whenever i have the patience and time I test this new ground in the craft world.

i also carry this tackle box around. when i picked it out in walmart the legit fishermen eyed me. but hey now! tackle boxes are actually quite portable and organized and one is now serving my jewelry making hobby. really i stick to earrings. i talked to a girl yesterday who has her own mini kiln and sculpts jewelry out of silver clay to then heats it up and melts it to create her intricate flowers etc for her beautiful necklaces. I, on the other hand stick to store bought beads and try to combine them with a little style and originality. i am even attempting to sell some in a craft fair the Stephens are apart of next weekend. those hobbies and my goal of making all my Christmas presents this year keeps my creative juices flowing. As well as supports the kind cashiers at hobby lobby and Michaels. this is why tonight I am also on a mission to create a budget! wish me luck. gah

The holidays are a time to be merry and throw parties and to overall be jolly and chubby! haha, it never fails that i usually gain some holiday cheer and winter insulation! but thats not really my point. I am trying to spend this season in reflection of the six years it has been since mom passed away. its a delicate balance between remembering and rejoicing. i really...i really can't say that i remember that much, and it's killing me.

i think i remember learning in psychology last semester that kids, and maybe adults, deal with grief and trauma sometimes by completely blocking it out of their mind, forgetting it. I guess i did that. eliza and heidi where talking about what happened around Christmas 2004 and mom's funeral and i honestly dont remember Heidi even being there for that. what?? why?? its troublesome because now i am ready to remember. a lot of people would probably say that its been six years and it is more than time to move on. no. oh no, this type of thing takes a life time to work through, and it gives you a totally different perspective in life from the rest of the world. all i can say is i've come to terms with being ok with not being ok. its better to just go ahead and be sad when you're feeling sad than try to suppress everything. that's disastrous!

 i wasn't afraid to be a mess at the time of my mother's death. i remember locking myself in the hospital bathroom sitting down and trying to cry. i think i cried a little. but i really just wanted to be away from the waiting room crowded with people. i really just wanted to be going home to a cozy, happy house instead of wondering who we were going to stay with every night. i really wanted to remember her smell and hugs. but all i saw was a emaciated, mute woman who reached out to touch me for the last time unable to speak or sit up or even keep her eyes open.

 hey look - i actually am remembering somewhat!

i think i much prefer sharing this on my blog because it diminishes the awkward real life encounters when i'm face to face with someone. i dont want people to try to say the right thing or to even talk, unless they feel lead. i much prefer a listening ear and ready hug. but sharing is just not even something i would even be able to do. it's too hard. so for now, the melancholy facet of my blog drags on...chapter three will unfold in time:)

thanks for understanding.

Hey There Eliza...

The cold weather has stirred something inside me, my song writing skills are emerging... 
This is inspired by Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"
(It's helpful to sing the tune in your head while your mind is blown away my these fresh lyrics)

ODE TO ELIZA

Hey There Eliza 

what's it like in Johnson City?

 You're a hundred miles away but babe tonight you're oh so pretty 

do do dooo, 

you've got my face and my birth date, 

I swear it's truue

Hey there Eliza 

you be good and don't ya miss me, 

i'm your twin and i'm your friend, 

i'm always hereee, 

moo moo moo mooo

OOH it's weird when we're apaart,

is that your breath or did you farrrt, 

you've got a sweet sweet hearrt...

Hey There Eliza 

don't forget that I'm your wing man,

you'd always beat me when we'd burp,

work that up do, do do doo

do do doo

OOOH you're funny and you're cuuuute, 

you dance and rap and bake, 

she used to play the fluute,

 make no mistake

Hey There Eliza a ah la la la la la la la la la laaa

THE END"