Question Mark

This week another year is added to my life…… say what?

yes i am going to be 22. Isn't that a cute number? I don't know how I'm going to feel at the end of being 22 years old because I can look back over other years and describe it fairly well in a word or phrase.

For example:

9- Exciting (i flipped a four wheeler, thought I'd go to the olympics for horse back riding!)

11 - SUPER FUN (i won a county wide art contest, I thought I'd be the first woman in the major leages baseball HA)

12 - Awkward

13 - Out of Control and Tramatised

15 - Insecure and Happy go Luckyish

16 - Exploring!

18 - Stretched

19 - Real world of working, shocker!

20 - Brave

21 - Bold?

I say bold "question mark" because some of this year was just stepping out into a big unknown adventure and not really having boldness exuding from my heart, mind, and soul… my voice frequently got caught in my throat. 

I've felt God's hand guiding me into His heart for my life, and through that empowering me to be Bold when circumstances arose. I was BOld in spirit to step into a leadership experience where all my weaknesses were displayed for all to see in DTS and where I was terribly flawed and self centered. Yet God was showing me what I really need, and that sometimes the things i believe i really really need aren't things that i ever need.

 I realized how i believed that I needed verbal affirmation and recognition from people around me when really, if i'm not serving and leading for God alone I shouldn't even be doing it. If Im doing something so that someone will acknowledge my achievement or sacrifice than I am seeking a selfish gain and loving someone in a life sucking way. It just means that i manipulate the situation to insure love and acceptance because of the serving, cooking, cleaning etc. Seeking that kind of approval is in the same category as working out all the time just to be accepted physically. It's seeking the same gain and attention and signs that I am valuable and worthwhile. I just sifted my tactics, unconsciously, from convincing myself that working out all the time will earn me acceptance and value, to serving well, cooking really good food, and anticipating peoples needs will give me value.  In actuality I am SO valuable and SO worthy of Gods love that He reminded I don't have to care for anyone in order to be loved. Jesus died so that I can receive the healing he gained through suffering, I can gain acceptance through his rejection etc etc. 

ANyway! 21 was one heck of a ride… I went to Canada, India, New Zealand again made new friends, made heaps of mistakes, got really scared, and really joyful, and strong. 

So this is a cheese ball reflection and now I guess I can step into 22 with a fun expectation of what twists and turns Jesus has for me as a nice young adult. Looks like I'll be back in NZ for shizzle. 

mmkay, sweet as TTFN.